Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
