Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Im part way to drunk.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
