Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
