im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
