Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize