I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You made out with two different species that night
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
