I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
