I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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