I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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