Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
