cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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