I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My ATM looks so different sober.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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