we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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