I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
