I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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