he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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