i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
