I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
