i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
