last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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