eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
