new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dignity is for republicans.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
