Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He passed out mid-signature
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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