I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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