So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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