i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
