shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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