He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
