Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
