I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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