You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
