did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
