at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
