I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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