Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize