I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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