just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
