K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
