I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just forgot I was standing up.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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