oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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