He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
