We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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