If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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