You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
