you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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