I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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