Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize