I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
