finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
