Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I love how my cats smell like pot.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
