This is not my ceiling
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My vagina is officially offended.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
