I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
