genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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