I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
