I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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