we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
