I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize