benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
