He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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