If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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