There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
