call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
