you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
