hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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