Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
