im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize