She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
