If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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